Mean Kids
A Back to School Bullying Primer
by Beth Erickson
If you think…
- Only boys bully.
- Most bullying is physical in nature.
- Bullies have low self-esteem.
- Students are usually victims of bullying because of physical traits.
Think again. The face of bullying is changing. “We think of bullies as being insecure and not feeling good about themselves, but it’s just the opposite. It’s not at all that way. This is a power thing,” says Carol Kuphal, a guidance counselor at Summit Elementary and Southern Bluffs Elementary in the La Crosse School District.
What is bullying?
Bullying can take the form of physical, like hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting; verbal, like taunting, name calling, racial slurs, verbal sexual harassment; or non-verbal with threatening or obscene gestures.
But bullying is often more subtle than people realize and the old myths that we have come to associate with the problem are being shattered. Along with the more traditional forms of bullying, it can also take the form of telling a secret about someone, not letting someone sit by you, intimidating someone, eye rolling or other hostile body language, not letting someone be your friend, excluding another, and goading or laughing as a bystander.
“By the third grade, I really see kids asking where do I fit in and how do I compare?” says Amy Kobs, a guidance counselor with Sandlake Elementary in Holmen. “So they experiment with verbal and physical behaviors to see how they move up and down in the hierarchy.”
And, while it’s great to have a child who is assertive and isn’t afraid to speak up or act on his or her own behalf, the aggressive form of bullying is another story. Sometimes, there’s a very fine line. How can you tell the difference? “If assertiveness is intimidating, that’s bullying,” says Kobs. “Intimidation, belittling, and making a person feel bad about who they are as a person are crossing the line.”
Gender equity
It’s a myth that only boys bully. “In part, it’s environment but, genetically, boys and girls are just different and there’s no getting past it,” says Kuphal.
Although girls can and do use physical bullying, they most often resort to verbal and emotional bullying. They attempt to restrict play, alienate others, run away from children or give someone the silent treatment. “When someone controls another person, it builds a sense of empowerment. The girl left alone tries to find out how to get more people on her side and there’s a back and forth play,” says Kobs.
Boys, on the other hand, tend to be more physical. Boys’ bullying tends to be more competition-related. They may be playing a game and someone cheats or has the unfair advantage. As a result, words are yelled or physical aggression like bumping or punching can occur. “They are learning how to deal with emotions like anger, embarrassment and don’t have strong skills yet,” says Kobs.
Perhaps because boys and girls have different strengths and weaknesses, by focusing on gender equity in the classrooms, Kuphal says both of the sexes can benefit. “What girls do, boys don’t. They’ll sit and talk to each other to figure out how to keep the problem from happening again,” she says. “Boys can learn from girls how to resolve problems. Girls can learn from boys to get out and be physical and burn off some emotions. They each have half of the puzzle as far as I’m concerned.”
What our schools are doing
In the La Crosse School District, guidance counselors and teachers are trained in the Olweus Bullying Prevention program. Designed for use in elementary, middle, or junior high schools, this program tries to prevent and reduce the incidence of bullying among children. Studies have shown significant reduction in bullying and improved classroom environments, says Kuphal.
As a result, the rules at La Crosse School District schools include the NICE system—
- No bullying
- Include everybody
- Caring
- Everyone tells an adult.
In addition, each classroom curriculum includes communication skills, conflict resolution, and lessons on friendship. Finally, students are encouraged to complete and submit forms that allow them to express if they feel they’ve been bullied, if they need help, if they’re taking care of it but still need help, if they took care of the situation but just wanted to tell an adult.
According to Kuphal, the guidance counselor or teacher will review the forms and check with the child to see where they’re at. Then, she or he will determine whether the child has handled it and is comfortable, if mediation is needed, or if an adult needs to address the situation.
“In dealing with bullying, we used to take care of the bully first,” says Kuphal. “We should take care of the victim, and that’s what we’re doing now.”
At Sandlake Elementary, offering classroom curriculum on friendship and emotions for kindergarten through fifth grade is also important. Another component is their Peace Program, in which 10-12 students from third, fourth and fifth grades are trained as peacekeepers. The peacekeepers in each class have one of two roles. The first is to assist outside during kindergarten to first grade recess. “They’re trained to look for students who are alone and try to interact with them and involve them. They help the children if there is conflict with a game or ball, if kids need to go to the nurse or bathroom, and if teachers need assistance,” explains Kobs.
The other peacekeepers are directly involved in solving bullying conflicts through peace meetings. If a conflict happens, students fill out a peace slip and submit it to Kobs. The students involved sit down with two peacekeepers and work to solve the problem. Kobs remains in the room working in the background, but is there if they need her. “We empower the students to feel confident that they can fix things so they don’t have to rely on someone else to do it,” she explains.
The Peace Program is most useful to second- and third-graders who, says Kobs, are still trying to figure out how to solve conflicts. For the fourth- and fifth-graders, who are less likely to fill out a peace slip, Kobs has an open door policy. If there’s a problem they don’t want to handle on their own, Kobs works with the student to come up with five options on how to handle it. In the end, it’s the student who decides how to handle it.
Finally, for the children who continue having difficulty with aggressors, Kobs has formed the Make a Difference Club. “Kids who need an extra connection at recess get together to do something that makes a difference here at the school,” she explains. Not only does this make a difference for others, sometimes the students in the club form friendships.
Sowing seeds
Programs like the ones in the La Crosse School District and at Sandlake are invaluable in resolving conflict and teaching perspective. “Sometimes children just have a bad day, or change their mind about an activity and just don’t communicate it very well. At this stage in a child’s development, it’s hard for them to understand others’ perspective,” says Kobs. This program is sowing the seeds for that understanding while helping them deal with their emotions, she adds.